March 28, 2006
President Putin of Russia feels bad for the Israelis. They miss so much on the food scene. Pork is delicious, yet they don’t eat it. To help them out, he calls Israel’s prime minister to Moscow to convince him to adopt dietary ways of the world. A parade of pigs, all wearing nice pink dresses and oinking harmoniously to an accompaniment of an orchestra, cannot fail to convince the visitor. A lecture by a world-renowned nutritionist is on the program, too. And finally, it is explained that, once Israelis start eating pork, their country will become a truly full-fledged member of the international community.
But this is a wasted effort. Israelis depart unconvinced of the need to mend their dietary ways, to the disappointment of the host and of the international community. But, not to surrender to pessimism, the world is assured that Israeli thinking just needs time to change. Ultimately, they will come to realize that they should eat pork.
You never heard of that? I got it all wrong? Mr. Putin was not trying to convince the Israeli government, but the newly elected Palestinian government of Hamas? It was not the Jewish religious law that Mr. Putin was trying to challenge, but the Moslem one – the notion that once a Moslem land, always a Moslem land, so even though Palestine was Jewish for millennia, and the Arabs came to possess it through conquest, it must stay forever Moslem, and Israel has no right to exist?
I may have gotten it wrong on the details, but certainly not on the substance. Is there a difference between convincing the Jews to eat pork, and convincing Hamas to accept legitimacy of Israel? Isn’t the act essentially the same, of altering a way of thinking that is deeply rooted in religious tradition, on the grounds that a change would be of pragmatic benefit?
One doubts it will succeed. But you know what – it may. Why don’t the Jews eat pork? Because pigs don’t chew cud – or do chew it, I forgot which. But, as Mr. Darwin tells us, animals constantly evolve. If pigs grow wings, they will no longer eat what they eat now; and may become permitted food under the Jewish law. So there is no need, after all, to lose hope. Let us not despair but keep throwing money at the Palestinians, Hamas or no Hamas, to our heart’s content. If there is a hope that the Jews will eat pork, why abandon hope that Hamas will recognize Israel’s right to exist? This may happen, when pigs fly.